The Country

I now understand why people call the country, "the country"

It is like a whole other universe, with tractors

man made, mini bridges, almost too unsteady to even hold a person,

people who go into town to the diner on wheels,

and others who stay home and tend to their wheelbarrows.

Suburbia

There are actually seasons on the east coast,

Morning dew covers the leaves

The fire station is in town

and the pretty shingled houses look untouched

while ladies sit inside, having some afternoon coffee.

Welcome to the Embarcadero

The morning sun is so pretty by the bay

People love to sit and watch the water with their dearest companion

The architecture is astounding

Vendors sell their pretty things

And the grassy field is deserted

The buildings "tower" over pedestrians running to work

While some men sit, thinking

And then there are the few who sit and eat hot dogs while watching the 9 o'clock shadow.

Happy Holidays.

My Name

My Calling.

My Sound.

Z-O-E.

"Into the Ocean" by Blue October

"I'm just a normal boy

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

be...

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop his ending?

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean...end it all."

Who's Afraid of Ghosts?

Although I am not considered a skittish person, I enjoy a good fright. So when Halloween comes rolling around, I tend to spook myself out a bit. For example, the other day a friend of mine told me this horrible story about a man who hung himself from his balcony, and no one realized that he wasn't a Halloween decoration until a few days later. Even though I would be terrified to experience something that awful, every Halloween I dream of finding something eerie. This year I happened to get lucky.

It was a rainy day at school and my friends and I were sitting at the end of the hall waiting to go home. One by one they left. Under unusual circumstances I was forced to stay at school until 6 o'clock at least. Although no one had noticed by 6:30 I was still waiting inside, all the faculty and custodians had gone home. The rain was still pouring and I was beginning to get a little freaked out. By 7 I realized that not only had everyone gone, but they had also locked me inside. I called my dad frantically to ask where he was but his phone went straight to voicemail, as did my mom's and brother's.

So there I was, alone in a huge empty building, terrified of setting off alarms and going out into the pouring rain without an umbrella or warm clothes. At around 7:30 I thought I heard scuffling upstairs. I ignored it and thought "Zoe, you're just trying to wig yourself out," but within five minutes I began to hear pounding on the walls around me. Terrified, I shot up from my seat and started running towards the door, to my horror I wasn't the only one running.

I burst out the door, and looked across the street for a place to hide. Panicked, I saw a girl in the doorway of the church, wearing a bloody smock with a menacing look on her face. Her transparency was luminous, and I could not stop looking at her. It was as though she had some huge magnetic energy that held me still. We stared at each other for a moment, and then she started mouthing something. I squinted but could not figure out what she was trying to say. As I tried to read her lips, her body started contorting and convulsing. My eyes dilated and I held my hand over my mouth in shock. I continued to watch the girl spin out of control when suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was my dad, he had finally arrived. He shook me and asked if I was alright. I looked across the street but the girl had vanished. My dad began to stroke my hair and walk me to his car. I was silent the whole way home, and to this day I have never found out who the girl was and what she was trying to tell me.

Hero Haiku

One day I saw her
She was eating strawberries
Holding baby teeth

Night, she flies around
Looking for places to see
Where does she go next?

My hero Toothie
She’s so nice and generous
I hope she’s happy.

Sinister Captain Hook

In my previous post, I introduced all of you to my hero, the tooth fairy. But now I would like to introduce you all to a rather frightenting villain by the name of "Hook", well, Captain Hook.

I am particularly frightened by this man because he terrorizes fairies, whom I love. When poor little tinkerbell was held in the clutches of Captain Hook, she put on a brave face. But had Peter Pan been unable to save her, who knows what he would have done?

Despite all of this, when I was little I was absolutely obsessed with the story of Peter Pan. I played "The Lost 'Girls'" with my friends, tried to convince my teachers that I had no shadow, and occasionally would have terrible nightmares about how the evil Captain would scrape his hook up against my window and snatch me from my bedside.

I would toss and turn in my sleep because I had dreamt that he had tied me up, and I had attempted to wriggle myself free. I still fear him quite a bit, but I have yet to have a nightmare as terrifying as the ones he haunted me in, in a very long time. Nontheless, he is still a villain, a menace to Neverland, and a cold heart.

Toothie!

Alas, here she is in all of her glory, captured on film, TOOTHIE! My favorite fairy of all time! As a little girl, I dreamed of having my teeth fall out just so I could catch her leaving me crisp $2 bills underneath my warm pillow. In my minds eye, I imagined us frolicking together in the forrest she called her home, filled with fairies.

I imagined sitting in her miniature house, with her serving me hot cocoa with marshmallows, and showing me her secret stash of coins and such. I imagined looking around her closet filled to its brim with all kinds of sparkly objects, like gems, fairy dust, and coins.

I had heard from people older than I, that eventually the tooth fairy stops coming, and she fades into a memory. Sometimes I would cry at the thought, because Toothie meant so much to me. She had never harmed me, and was there every single time I had lost my precious baby tooth. I don't see her anymore, but she will always be my hero, even if I only spent a few years with her.

I am awake, unfortunately. I had a late night last night, partying ‘til six am and then realized I had school in two hours. I guess I was excited to see all of my friends and teachers again, but nonetheless, I am back at school, imprisoned by work, and consumed by sleep deprivation. Junior year is impressively different than sophomore year. Last year I would spend maybe an hour-and-a-half on homework, this year I am up until I fall asleep. My friends are still the same; we all laugh and chat in the court yard, telling great stories of our summers and weekend adventures. My friends are like coffee, they keep me up and happy. Most of my teachers have changed. The ones I have stayed with I am happy about, the new faces I am still glad to see. The people at school are great, the institution is great, it’s just the emotionally and physically draining act of doing homework that I am tired by. Ahh school.

A Fictional Fatalism

There we were. Six best friends ready to take on the world.We did everything together. Biking, hiking, playing, laughing, going to the movies, reading, sleepovers, and of course our favorite was ballet. Every Monday and Wednesday after preschool, us girls would pile into Gracie's (the blonde second right) minivan and we would pull on our tutus and play games like "sweet-and-sour" and the license plate game. I remember laughing and laughing until my stomach hurt and sometimes there were tears in my eyes. I may have been young, but I knew then, that it was rare to find people I could laugh and talk to with so much ease. I imagined us being friends for the rest of our lives, and the thought never failed to bring a smile to my face.

One Wednesday, I had a doctor's appointment. Unlike Monday's, Wednesday's dance class would start at 5:30 sharp. For some bizarre reason, my appointment was scheduled late in the afternoon so I would either have to miss dance class or come late. I absolutely loved dance, so I begged my nanny to let me come late. But by coming late I would not ride in the car with my friends like I usually did each week. My appointment ended sooner than I expected, and I got to Ballet right on time. When my five friends were not there, I figured that maybe they stopped and got cookies (like we sometimes did), but my friends never arrived. I left with a large pit in my stomach, this was before cell phones and I had no way to reach any of them. It took me a very long time for me to fall asleep that night, I tossed and turned, anxious to know where they had been.

I had never been to a funeral before, but before I knew it I had gone to six in one week. Gracie's mom Susan, had a drug problem in college, but she had gone to rehab and had been sober for almost fifteen years. But that Wednesday afternoon she relapsed, my friends piled into the car with this woman, a thoughtless task, and the ride ended their sweet, young lives. The pain I went through realizing that I would never laugh, or dance, or talk to any of them again, was absolutely unbearable. They are gone and I am not. I still find it ironic that a doctor saved my life, not because I was sick, but because I just needed a physical.

I quit dance right away, and never looked back. I have made friends since then, but none have been as close to me as those five were. I see their families from time-to-time. The six of us loved going to the top of twin peaks and shouting, "that's my city!" But now all I have left are the memories, never failing to forget them when I am in the car, or watching others dance, and especially when staring out at my city scape. I don't want to forget them, just the pain, maybe I will, maybe I won't, only time will tell.

Now and Then--A Family Fiction

The photo front and center is one of the few photos I have of my mother, father, brother, and me. At one point we smiled together, ate together, went to the movies together, and took pictures together. But because of my parents somewhat recent divorce, this is only a photo, left in a box by my bed, and only taken out when necessary.
The photos on the side are of my mother and brother. The two used to be very close, now they are both tired and unattached, merose, and worn. Despair clouds their faces as they think about the way it was, and how different it is today.